[Joy Connell] Thank you for your great welcome. I would like to take this opportunity to share part of my journey. I give God the glory for what He has done in my life, and the keys He has showed us to bring healing and freedom.
Firstly, I became aware of generational traits. I realized that in my family of origin, we did not discuss feelings very much. I was unskilled at identifying and expressing my feelings. I usually carried on like I didn't have emotions, or buried them. My father was excommunicated from the Exclusive Brethren church in his teenage years, when he discovered other followers of Jesus at High School, and shared life with them. This was forbidden, but he couldn't deny his experience. The end result of standing for what he believed involved not being able to eat with his family. I’m sure this segregation deeply affected him. His mother was from a well educated English family, who were proud of their intellectual capacity and rational thinking – mind seemed to rule over emotions. Dad was reluctant to talk about feelings or hug. He showed his love by good deeds, and I tried to earn it by academic achievement. When I recognized this generational trait, I repented of my own idolatry, of rational thinking and pride; and invited the Holy Spirit to use visions and dreams to speak to me.
Within a week of that prayer, I had a vivid dream of a traumatic experience, which had been buried deep in my life for over 30 years. I was 11 years old in the dream, and I was in a serious car accident, where my 13 year old sister was killed. My mother was the driver, my Nana, and a younger sister, and I came out of shock on the side of the road, and was then taken home to Dad and 3 preschoolers! The whole family was hugely upheaved, and all tried to cope with grief in isolation. My coping behaviour was to become ‘Super Joy’, who had no needs or feelings, but rose up to help others. I detached from the pain, and carried on like I had it all together. In fact, this became a false identity, which I wore for years and years, until this dream surfaced the doorway to this trauma. Here I was now, a married woman, a pastor’s wife with 6 children, and the Holy Spirit had me on a scary journey of facing buried grief, unhealthy coping strategies, and agreements with lies. I eventually faced the truth that I did have needs, and the Lord wanted me to own them, and express them, and allow Him (and others) to meet them. I stopped being independent, isolated and alone, and allowed the Lord to come into this area of my life. He took me through a journey of healing, and showed me my way of coping – denial. Is 28:15 says that when we make lies our refuge, we come into agreement with spirits of death and hell, which isolated me, and caused emotional numbness.
The Lord continued to direct me, mainly through scriptures, on this journey. I read “hide not yourself from your own flesh”, and I knew this meant connecting and talking with my family about this ‘no-go zone’. I went on a 3 day visit to my parents. On day, one of my parents opened up photograph albums of the funeral and burial. I vaguely remembered the funeral, but had no recollection of the burial, and didn't even want to look at the photos. It was so incredibly painful, I’d rather stay in denial, but it was time to go there with the Lord. I revisited it, expressed my grief, and walked through the “valley of death” with the Lord, allowing Him to love, heal and restore me. Finally, on the third day, Mike took me to the accident site and grave side, where I finally let her go, and he broke the soul tie to her. I had a fresh vision of her, in the galleries of heaven, cheering me on, with the biggest smile. That was the start of my journey of revisiting trauma, and unlocking areas of bondage. I realized the ‘Super Joy’ identity had been well established - facing crises alone, burying pain, being strong but not real.