Suppose we put a little sign up there: ‘Wet paint, don’t touch’. You know what a lot of people will do? They want to touch. The sign is clear; but you see, something is stirred up inside - that’s what the law does. The moment someone says: “You mustn’t do that.” “Why not? I think I’d like to...” The law never helps you in this area.
You are better to treat it like this – instead of saying: ‘I shouldn’t have thought that, I’m such a bad Christian’, that strategy will lead you to failure. Say: “Lord, I’m thinking about this in this way, Lord it’s destructive. I don’t want to think that way, I bring that thought to death, I redirect my attention. Thank you Jesus for Your holiness rising up inside me. You have to deal with it with a spiritual and a practical approach. Trying to condemn yourself is not going to work.
Here’s another thing that’ll help – accountability. Being open with someone about your life, particularly so if someone’s been involved in pornography. You have to remember, accountability is just a way of you being responsible for change; because if you want to, you can always hide what you’re doing. It’s helpful to have some form of accountability. You have to realise that, if I’m asking someone to hold me accountable, it doesn’t mean that now they’ve got the problem - it’s still my problem.
So I frame it up like this: “Look, I’ve been wrestling with this problem. I’m really doing these things to try and break free. I really want to walk in freedom. I want to, each week when we go into the small group meeting, I want to meet up with you. I wonder if you can just ask me how I’m doing; ask me if I’m telling the truth. I just need you to help me keep my commitment to go forward.”
So it’s actually me owning the journey, but someone else helping me in the journey. Otherwise I’ll avoid her, and think: ‘oh, if I go talk to her, she’ll ask me the question, I don’t want her to ask questions. So accountability – I own, it’s my journey, someone is going to help me on my journey.
Get this - that being open, is the way I walk into freedom; because in the past, it was in secrecy. So, for this to happen, it’s important the person doesn’t condemn me. “Oh, why do you do that?! Why do you look at those things?! I told you not to look at those things!” I’m never going to tell her anything after that. So there’s a need for a relationship of openness. It’s the actual openness, free of condemnation, that allows the person’s grace to come free.
So the last thing perhaps we’ll share, in relationship to that, is there needs to be a simple strategy to handle failure - if the person fails, what to do? Inevitably in this journey, failures happen. Just saying, “I’ll never do it again!” – don’t make those promises. You’re probably going to fall. The Bible says: “the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, though he falls - though he falls - he won’t be cast down, God will lift him up.
So listen, if you fall, whether it be pornography, or masturbation, or something in the relationship - quickly acknowledge it; almost immediately acknowledge it. Quickly repent of it; and then stand up again inside, and hold the blood of Jesus Christ over your life. Because the longer you stay condemned, the more that thing will work in your life.
So if a person fails, as they are often likely to do, I’ll tell them: very quickly, do this immediately after the sin. Quickly turn to the Lord – “Lord I’m so sorry, I confess my sin to you. I’m just so sorry. Lord, I receive Your forgiveness; I receive Your cleansing; and I rise into Your presence again.” Because, the disconnection from God will keep the problem running.
The person must be helped to believe: “Listen, God will forgive you.” Begin to speak the word of God: “I thank You Lord, if we confess our sins, You’re faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us. I thank you Lord I am forgiven; I’m cleansed; I stand up like it’s never happened.” In other words, there’s a faith stand to stay connected to God - very important. And then it’s helpful to just be open with someone – “Hey, listen, I’m not doing so good.”
So, those are key strategies in this process. One last thing, perhaps - it’s helpful to become aware of what I call “sin cycles”. So you could draw a big circle. Outside the circle at the top, you could put ‘event’, ‘trigger event’. What happens, is that many times, the sin we’re struggling with follows a predictable cycle. It’s like it’s acted out, almost like it’s following a script. So it becomes a cycle.
A cycle is something that keeps repeating, almost the same way. It helps if you understand about a sin cycle. Usually there’s a trigger event – something happened. First thing, something happened. Second thing, you have a negative feeling. Hurt, I’ll put the word hurt – rejected or hurt, hurt feelings. Next thing, number three, is sadness or heaviness. Heaviness is often a sign that sexual sin is about to come – there’s a bit of a depression or heaviness.